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I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately. I've also had a lot of trouble sleeping, and I've just generally felt worn out. I hope it's just stress.



I'm getting closer to the end of my time at the two-year college. I need to start getting everything together for a transfer to the university. I still don't know if what I'm doing will lead to a better life, or if it will just end with me in debt with a degree but nothing else, so I had to decide that it didn't matter. What's good for me in the future isn't what I should be focusing on. There are too many variables, and if I focus on doing "the right thing" to get a career, or a decent job, or whatever, then if that doesn't come as a result of my going through the process of getting a degree, then I will feel that I've failed. But that isn't what's really the focus. The focus has been on improving my life in some way. I cannot overstate the importance of being appreciated for actually having intelligence, as opposed to being treated like a cog made of flesh and blood in a machine with no consideration for human dignity. If nothing else, if I end up stuck for the rest of my life in my current job, or something like it, this period in my life will always be a bright spot in my life, and maybe it will bring me comfort, or some measure of remembered happiness in a dark future.



But I'm still hoping for more.

I feel like crap. I just want this to end.